Please remove this blog from links and what not, I'm not updating anymore. It's been a year and a quarter of writing, and I don't necessarily want to delete it all, so simply unlink me.

I just want something that lasts.
Something. Not just a placebo, the perfect drug.

3/19/2001 10:19:53 PM to 7/3/2002 12:03:53 PM

But if there was a single truth, a single light
A single thought, a singular touch of grace

I want to go back to the day when I didn't know what family was meant to be. I want to remember how the arms of chairs could be horses and the hardwood floor a cool pool of water. The days I spent biking in the summer and when drugs and alcohol weren't a concern in my world. With all righteousness, without my quest for innocence getting in the way of my judgement, I blame alcohol and drugs for my failed friendships, the silent hurt between them, and the ones that are currently falling apart silently as well. If none of my friends had gotten involved with them, our lives would be different. Better or worse-- anything but this.
Is it spite? Am I lonely in my half-way world? I've neither taken the path of discouragement or support. Therefore, I'm pretty much in the bushes making my own path. Falling behind. Why is it that when you care so much, you're left behind by both sides?
After worrying about others and trying to make up my opinion on things, I've neglected myself. It's time to fix that, and time to be honest. It's not fair that I love you so much. It's not fair. Sometimes I hate it. Like when you close me off with your head in your arms, not even responding to my concerns. Think of me. I've had enough of this. I can't stand to see you this way, I don't understand exactly why, there's just something so pathetic about it that couldn't even come close to the real you. You are not the weak person that these influences make you seem. These things are insulting to you, demeaning to your character.
You don't lose anything by stoping. I don't want to write here anymore. I want to say it to your face and stop cowarding behind this journal, knowing you'll read it and make up your own mind about it. I hate it. I hate it so much. I coward behind this blog like I coward behind the glass wall between my family and friends. I can't do this anymore. I have to be honest now.
I'm done, this was really stupid, but I don't care what people think of me anymore. I need to start telling myself and other people the truth from now on.

Then following this single point , this single flame,
The single haunted memory of your face.

If it takes another thousand years, a thousand wars,
The towers rise to numberless floors in space...

I wish I was working today. I wish I could make money while distracting myself and keeping myself busy from this horrible feeling. I want to change, but I don't at the same time. It's really hard on me. I need to get rid of this blog. It harbours too many things that I'd like to die. I don't know when, but this blog is dead.